Outstanding benefits package

-Health insurance

Tons of variety

-We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Top notch communication skills

-Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locale

-Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Secretary

-Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary

-The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated

-You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Salary commensurate

-We’ll pay you whatever the we feel like

Salary negotiable

-We’ll take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary

-We’ll pay you up to 10 percent more than your last job!

Competitive starting salary

-Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere

-A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere

-Zombie pod people

Self-starter

-Open to very broad interpretation, since no one really knows what this means