A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.